Ashes diary – Day 3

It’s 8.27am as I start writing this, I am very tired but need to be up ready for 9.00 to get some beer in (to sell, not to drink!) the reason as to why I have no beer in my pub is also the reason I didn’t start watching until late, we had Catfish and the Bottlemen playing last night, don’t be fooled by the name, these guys have some serious game, they also have a serious following, which of course meant my pub was absolutely hammered last night, hence the lack of beer!

Two things have just caught my eye...

1. An advert for the new Hyundai IX20, at the end they park the car on the top of a multi story car park and leave it crookedly across about 4 bays, nothing pisses me off more than some twat parking inconsiderately and here are Hyundai actively promoting it...dicks!

2. On Sky Sports news they have just been talking about the horse racing meeting at Wolverhampton that had to be abandoned because of the snow...Wolverhampton is an all weather track. Surely they need to come up with a new name, as clearly it is not all weather, maybe call it most weather track, or track that is fine unless it's raining, snowing, hailstones or the wind is blowing from a south easterly direction!

01.14am: So just made it upstairs and turned the TV on, it appears that my message to Mr Strauss didn’t get through....I’m fairly sure that I asked him to have the aussies all out by this time, not sure why that wasn’t done.

I had a couple of pints tonight while the band were playing so that has already made me feel a little more tired than I wanted but we’ll see how long I can last.

As always my snack situation – 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches, 1 bag of cheese and onion crisps, 1 bag of Roysters steak crisps (amazing if you’ve never tried them) and a small bottle of diet Coke, Faye had a Chinese for dinner and there is leftover crispy Chicken Cantonese style should I get peckish later (although with that amount of food, it’s unlikely...)

Oh and for the record, Australia are 290/5 having not lost a wicket in the first hour and three quarters, although I find out that Hussey was caught plum LBW by Anderson but England have used all their reviews up, good work ICC, come up with a system to stop umpires dropping massive clangers and then use a contradicting system to prevent the teams from using it!!

01.20am: Michael Hussey is gesticulating wildly towards the crowd above the sight screen, turns out they were committing the heinous crime of...standing up!

01.24am: Colly has a bowl..why not? the others have bowled well but can’t make a breakthrough, maybe a change of pace might work....AHHHHHHH, first ball, Haddin sticks it skywards and just out of Cook’s reach, it was a difficult chance but not to coin a phrase...catches win matches (alright, I coined a phrase!)

01.38am: The camera pans to the aussie bench and Watson seems to be either stretching his bicep or warming up for a lunchtime wank, seeing as he is definitely a massive wanker, I’ll go with the latter!

01.41am: They are now showing the 94th slow-mo replay of Cook just getting his fingertips to that catch before, seriously, it was a difficult chance!

01.48am: Bumble proves why he is a cricket genius, England ask for the ball to be changed as it is becoming misshapen (really, any excuse to try and mix this up, Australia are running away with it) Bumble says “They normally have a ring that if the ball passes through then It’s ok to carry on, I expect he has on in his pocket” 5 seconds later umpire Billy Doctrove pulls said ring out of his pocket... Bumble, we are not worthy!

01.52am: So FIFA time in 10 mins, just psyching myself up ready for the upcoming battle, while I’m psyching myself up Hussey gets a top edge but it sails over the slips and goes for 4 runs, lucky bastard.

01.54am: Jimmy is starting to get pissed off now, yet Hussey still finds another gap in the field and Australia are now 327/5, I polish of the Cantonese chicken that Faye left behind, delicious.

02.01am: Lunch, Australia are 329/5 and have dominated this session, all the bowlers put in a good shift (except Swanny who is struggling a little) so just need the luck to go with the endeavour.

FIFA time, I’m paired with someone called SuperSkope, I choose to play as Chelsea while he opts for AC Milan, I start very well and am in the lead after 5 mins, Drogba gets a lucky rebound and slots it in the corner, but Milan hit back almost immediately with a looping header from Pato 1-1, the 2nd half starts and I am very quickly back in the lead with Drogba again, a lovely low cross from Malouda and a comfortable finish.

I dominate the game but cannot put it out of reach and pay the price when a hopeful punt up field finds its way to Ibrahimovic and he tucks it away for a late equalizer, it finishes 2-2, the options of what to do next are, play extra time, extra time plus pens or finish as a draw, 99% of people select extra time and pens...except for this girly twat, he ends it as a draw and vanishes.

I naturally send him a message suggesting he has an inappropriate relationship with his mother but alas, the result stands thus ending my 100% record.

Chelsea Vs AC Milan
2 – 2
Drogba 5’ & 48’ - Pato 11’, Ibrahimovic 86’

02.30am: Despite the exciting game of FIFA I am seriously tired now, coupled with Australia playing so well I think that unless we take a wicket before 3am I may just settle down a get some sleep.

08.01am: Awake, I turn Sky Sports news on to find Australia amassed a total of 481, so that pretty much puts paid to England winning the first test, now we have to bat all day at least to give us a chance of the draw, Finn took 6/125 on his ashes debut, scant consolation but hope for the next test (unless you are Chris Tremlett, guaranteed to be sat on the bench for 4 more tests!)

I apologise for posting this late but have just returned from casualty after banging my head on a low doorway very, very hard, no lasting damage (I hope) but I have a crazy headache and a sore neck so I plan to rest up and see if there is any chance I will make it to the start of play, let alone my half-time FIFA battle.

See you tomorrow.

Marcus.

Sleep count for 1st test – 15 hours.

Food count for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 3 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier and 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml).

FIFA record P3 W2 D1 L0 – F8 A3.