Sadly I feel I know Mr Strauss well enough that if we make it to tea with a colossal lead he will pointlessly declare and allow the bowlers a go at the top order, either way I’m reasonably sure that when I wake up tomorrow (haven’t made it through the night once yet, don’t think tonight will be the night I do it for the first time) we will have drawn the 1st test despite Australia seemingly having victory in their hands after the 3rd day.
23.44pm: I tune in to TMSofa’s coverage ready for the start (not going back to Sky commentary, from now on I am a devoted Sofa fan, my snack update is quick and simple, I have no snacks at all, I had a lovely meal of chicken and chips before and am completely stuffed still.
00.00am: First ball of the day from Hilfenhaus to Cook, England are starting day 5 on 309/1, that’s right, 309/1...against Australia, in Australia, lovely!
00.29am: Cook brings up his 150, he looks in great touch and could easily bat all day, please let him get to his triple century Straussy, don’t even consider a pointless declaration.
00.54am: As you can see from the gap between entries today is not looking like it is going to be full of incident, England are looking in supreme touch and the Australians don’t look like they can find a way to take one wicket today, let alone another 9!
00.56am: I will assume that someone heard me write that last entry as Trott just gave Clarke some easy 1st slip catching practice, fortunately Clarke is a massive bag of shit at the moment and doesn’t look like he could catch a cold, so inevitably he drops it, I can’t stress how routine a catch that was, poor Pup!
01.01am: As easy as it is to mock Clarke, it is far, far easier to ridicule Mitchell Johnson, firstly it has to be noted that I once saw him single handedly decimate a potent South African attack, make no mistake, on his day MiJo is a dangerous bowler...today is not his day!
After dropping Strauss on 69 yesterday things didn’t look like they could get worse, but his bowling has been garbage and he has just sent a delivery a clear 2 yards behind Cook’s back and it sails all the way for 4 wides, it made Harmison’s opening efforts from 4 years ago seem accurate, we are literally watching the fall of a once average cricketer!
01.16am: X-Doh is on and being shit at bowling, I’m not surprised as he is a shit bowler.
01.19am: After performances in this test, but especially today, I think that Clarke, Johnson and X-Doh could all struggle to make it for the 2nd test, not sure it will, but I would be very surprised if X-Doh ever wears the baggy green again.
Johnson is different because despite how shit he is being (and he is being really shit) Australia know he can do it at the highest level, as for Clarke, he is the heir apparent, the man groomed as Ponting’s successor, could they possibly drop him, for me, I think they should, but don’t think they will.
01.26am: X-Doh has just given 8 byes in 2 balls due to the cracks forming on the pitch, I still think we should bat right through to the end but would love to see Swanny have a go!
01.41am: The aussies are completely hapless, no chance of anything happening here, as much as I am enjoying watching the demoralisation of their bowling attack, this is turning into a moot day of cricket.
01.42am: Jonathan Trott passes 1000 test runs for the year of 2010, very impressive from the South African...Englishman!
01.53am: Cook brings up his double hundred, awesome work from out vice-captain!
01.56am: Turned the Xbox on ready for my ensuing FIFA battle at lunchtime, not making excuses but still got a banging headache!
01.59am: Trott gets to his century meaning all 3 all England’s top batmen have made it to 3 figures, only ever happened once before in the history of English cricket, once again I remind you this is Australia we are playing...in Australia!
02.00am: Lunch break, England are 439/1, that’s 439/1...one more time... four...hundred...and...thirty...nine...runs...for...one...wicket!!!
Here is the bit you are waiting for, my FIFA battle, today’s opponent is Krishan 7, I choose Man City (seem to enjoy playing as city) and he chooses Man Utd.
He is one of those really annoying players that you can’t get the ball from, and he makes the possession pay with a poachers effort from Nani, he takes possession back almost immediately and strolls through the defence and slots home to make it 2-0, I am really struggling here and go in at half-time 2-0 down.
I start the second half in the same vain and narrowly avoid conceding a third, things are looking grim and my unbeaten record looks like going, then a hopeful long ball finds Tevez and a sharp turn leaves him one on one with the keeper and he finishes, maybe a draw is possible, 4 minutes later I get a free-kick from around 30 yards, Tevez steps up and dispatches it nicely to square things up.
I have all the momentum now and a junking run from Tevez down the left side and a low cross finds Kolo Toure in the striker’s position and he slams the ball home, unbelievably I am now in the lead with only 10 minutes left, then Krishan 7 committed the cardinal sin of gaming...
....HE QUIT EARLY!!!
Now this is unforgivable, I send him the standard message...”You got owned, bitch!” but no reply, as it was so late in the game I am not sure whether the 3-2 result stands or as he quit a 3-0 score line should be awarded to me, I’ll take the 3-2 (only because it was late in the game)
Manchester City Vs Manchester Utd
3-2
Tevez 60’, 66’ Nani 17’
K Toure 80’ Berbatov 31’
02.44am: Play has resumed, not sure this should be added to the snack counter but got myself a pint of water, also taken two Nurofen for the headache.
02.55am: England reach 444/1, a quadruple nelson!
03.04am: Johnson sends a delivery 2 yards behind cook again for 4 wides, if I was more cynical I would suggest he is playing shit on purpose!
03.12am: Ponting claims a catch from Trott, goes to the 3rd umpire and is inconclusive so given not out, Ponting questions the decision...ooh I hope he gets a fine for dissent, that would be very special!
03.24am: I have just tweeted my 1979th tweet, only special because I was born in 1979, I dedicated it to this diary.
03.37am: England bring up the 500 because of another shite delivery from X-Doh, now 502/1.
03.47am: This is now the latest I have awake since the start of the ashes, is the reason because England have been awesome? Maybe I am just not tired? Maybe it’s because my head is still fucking killing me? Faye has told me to go back to the doctors tomorrow so that is what I will be doing.
Seeing as this is nearly over I may let myself drop off, nothing much more exciting will happen from here.
03.59am: ENGLAND HAVE DECLARED! I fucking told you, Strauss is so predictable, he should have just left Cook to stay out and get his triple century, realistically he could have gone on and got 350 odd, Trott would have made a double century also.
And...Australia could actually win from here, 40 overs and 297 the target, it’s unlikely buy theoretically they could do it.
04.23am: Very sleepy now so definitely the last entry, Australia now need something like 8.5 an over to win which simply isn’t going to happen, I will awaken to find Australia finished on 102/0 therefore making it (as I’ve repeatedly said) a pointless declaration!
11.01am: Awake, I have woken a few times this morning but kept dropping off so this is my official awake time, I was nearly right with my prediction, Australia finished on 107/1 with Ponting hitting 51 and Twatto getting 41.
The result of the first test is a draw meaning my ludicrously optimistic prediction of a 3-0 win for England is still on.
I have really enjoyed the test match though and am very much looking forward to the next one, which is also where I will pick my diary up from.
This test will be remembered for a few things, England’s failure with the bat 1stinnings, Hussey (who was lucky to be playing if you believe some reports) scoring 195, then England’s total dominance with the bat second innings which includes Cook’s magnificent 235 not out.
Bowling wise Finn taking 6 wickets in Australia’s 1st innings was very encouraging and of course Siddle’s hat trick was brilliant (even if he is a massive twat)
For me the most memorable thing (other than Cooky’s 235) will be Australia relying on players who simply aren’t good enough, X-Doh and Johnson will be very lucky to retain their places as Australia have already added Bollinger and Harris to the squad, Clarke won’t be dropped but seriously needs to remember how to play cricket or he will be a weakness that England will exploit every single innings.
All in all I am satisfied with the draw (remember Australia need to win outright as we currently hold the Ashes) and it is definitely advantage England heading into Adelaide on Thursday.
Which is where I will see you next.
Thanks.
Marcus.
Sleep total for 1st test – 28.5 hours (still quite respectable but remember bad head + painkillers)
Food total for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches,1 Chicken and Mushroom pot Noodle, 2 slices of bread and butter, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier, 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml) and 1 pint of water.
FIFA record P5 W4 D1 L0 – F13 A5.
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